The Rulebook That Makes Women Afraid of Wealth

There's a rulebook circulating in our society, one that quietly dictates what it means to be a "good woman." And if you look closely, you'll find that most of its pages are about something you might not expect—how we should talk about money, make it, and spend it. But before we dive into that uncomfortable territory, we must confront an even more unsettling question: Why are so many women afraid of building wealth in the first place?

My name is Tori. I'm a multi-millionaire money expert who has helped over 5 million women become better with money. And I'll be honest with you—I am the poster child for the unabashed pursuit of wealth. But that hasn't made me the most popular person in the room. Today, let's explore why women are afraid of money, why pursuing wealth actually made me a "bad woman," and how to simply say "screw it" and move forward anyway.

The Fear That Blocks Your Path

Before we get into any of that, we need to talk about the "before"—why so many women never get rich to begin with. As we've discussed many times, the pursuit of wealth isn't about hoarding money or accumulating it to exploit people or gatekeep others. It's not about having a pile of cash just because it's nice. Wealth means options. Wealth means choices.

When you have money, you gain the ability to say no to things you want to say no to, and yes to things you want to say yes to. You are never forced into a situation that feels unsafe because you can always afford to leave. Many financial experts will tell you that the reason you're not rich is because you're not working hard enough. But we've debunked that—you can work incredibly hard and still not be financially solvent because of systemic oppression. There are many reasons why you might be doing all the right things and still struggle.

When we examine why women are afraid of pursuing money, the concept of FOG comes up repeatedly—an acronym for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. This is the number one thing I see women struggle with in their pursuit of wealth, because it blocks a healthy relationship with money and slows the ability to build it.

Fear: The Worry That Money Will Change You

Let's start with the F—fear. Research shows that women are especially likely to fear the destructive impact of money on our relationships and personal values. We're terrified of doing the wrong thing, of making a financial mistake that could wipe us out tomorrow, or that people might not like us anymore. This fear stems from a deeply ingrained belief: rich equals being a bad person.

We've all met bad rich people. We see them every day in the news—terrible people who happen to have a lot of money. And what we infer is that the money itself made them bad. That "rich equals bad person" narrative is a story women have been fed time and time again. It's not true, but it's persistent.

Obligation: The Burden of Putting Others First

Then there's O—obligation. We feel an obligation to everyone else before ourselves. As I've discussed in the first chapter of my book, Financial Feminist, research shows that we teach girls as young as two, three, or four years old to constantly put others above themselves. That's what society deems valuable in women. We're led to believe that everyone else's needs are more important than our own, and that our value to society lies in how we nurture and take care of others.

Think about the toys girls are given—dolls, Easy-Bake Ovens. We're told our value is in nurturing. So no wonder that obligation creeps up when you face the decision: "Do I help out my family? Do I help the world that feels like it's falling apart? Or do I take care of myself?" These things seem at odds with each other, as if it's a double bind—either one or the other.

Guilt: The Emotion That Derails Everything

Finally, there's G—guilt. This is the number one emotion women struggle with. The guilt that you're doing better than your friends or your community, or even better than your parents did. The guilt that you spent money, that you made a mistake, that you went out to eat when you were in debt. This guilt is so common, and it absolutely derails our ability to build wealth.

We also have to talk about money avoidance—the "ostrich effect," where women bury their heads in the sand, acting like their problems don't exist. This disproportionately affects women, leading to a loss of confidence and opportunity. You tell yourself, "I'll handle that later," but it only cripples your relationship with money, separates you from it, and makes it feel less personal.

You're Not Bad at Money—You Were Taught to Feel Bad

The key reframe is this: Women aren't afraid of money because they're bad at it. Money is a teachable, learnable skill. Rather, women are afraid of the pursuit of wealth because they were specifically taught to be. You're not bad with money. You just feel bad for pursuing it because society has made you feel that way. You believe the pursuit of wealth is greedy or selfish, and that's not an accident.

At the end of the day, society wants you to be a "good woman." A controllable woman. A good woman doesn't ruffle any feathers, doesn't ask for more than she deserves, stays in her lane, and doesn't take up space. Female financial dependence is by design. A good woman doesn't start a business. She doesn't ask for a raise. She doesn't invest. She makes a meager amount of money that she budgets closely, and she relies on a man—a husband, a father, a boss—for the rest.

A woman who doesn't need a man is an economic structural threat. Think about women who live unabashedly—society hates them. Society hates me. An uncontrollable woman is the patriarchy's worst nightmare. And while I love being that nightmare, it's not a fun time. I'm fulfilling my needs and goals, but it makes people deeply uncomfortable because it's not the role we've been conditioned to play.

We've been conditioned to put everyone's needs above our own, to never speak up when something feels wrong or disconnected. And money is the pinnacle of this. Your pursuit of money is deemed villainous by the very people who want to maintain their power and status. This is not an accident. The people who already have wealth and power—the patriarchy—benefit from making you believe that money is bad, that asking for more is bad, that starting a business is bad, that staying in a nicer hotel is bad, that having more money so you can be more generous is bad.

The data proves this. We have the wage gap, the wealth gap, and so much unpaid labor as women. These numbers protect a system that has profited from women's inaction and unpaid labor for literally forever. And the more we uphold the structures of shame, guilt, fear, and obligation—the more we view the pursuit of wealth as greedy or impolite—it only hurts us. It doesn't actually help the system or progress us in any way.

The Truth About Surviving the System

You still have to pay your rent. Capitalism exists, and it's not a system that benefits us. But I don't want to win capitalism—that would mean I've exploited someone. But I also can't lose capitalism, because that would mean deep suffering for myself, my community, and my family. So while we work to change the system, we have to learn how to survive it—and maybe even thrive in it, just a little. I'm not talking about Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk levels. I'm talking about enough money to feel a sense of ease, joy, and generosity in your life.

The truth is, you can't fight against a system if you're broke. You cannot protest against a regime or against people in power when you are deeply tired. I want to be practical about this. Living in poverty rewires your brain—not in a good way. It forces you into scarcity, leaving little time or energy for yourself, your community, or any cause. You're just trying to survive. But if we can help people start to have more freedom and flexibility—where they're not worried about making rent or overwhelmed by student loans—imagine how that feels. It feels liberating.

There's a reason the system doesn't want you to have financial independence. When you're able to get out of scarcity mode, you start paying better attention. You see what's going on around you. You realize that your rights are being taken away, that minimum wage hasn't increased in a long time. When you have enough money to pull yourself out of scarcity, you will be deeply unpopular at the societal level for it—because the patriarchy wants to keep you controllable.

Money Doesn't Change You—It Amplifies Who You Are

I want to speak to you as someone who built a lot of wealth in a short amount of time. Even if I tell you that pursuing money doesn't make you a bad person, that you can pursue it because it means options, there's still something hardwired in your brain telling you that if you gain money, you'll become selfish, greedy, and no longer community-oriented. But here's the truth: Having money doesn't change you. It shows you who you truly are.

We know plenty of rich people who are terrible human beings. But we also know plenty of people who are just scraping by who aren't great either. If you can manage $30,000, you can manage $3 million or $30 million. It's the same principle. I have plenty of flaws, but I'm proud of my generosity. I was proud of it when I made $55,000 a year, and I'm proud of it now as a multi-millionaire business owner. If anything, I'm able to be even more generous. When something happens in the world—whether it's about women's rights, animal rights, war, or climate change—I don't just say, "That's awful, I can't do anything." I can actually make an impact.

I've seen it in millions of women. When they gain money, they don't go to bed a good person and wake up a terrible human being. They're just able to be as generous as they want to be. I get to tip generously. I get to donate to causes I believe in. I get to take my hardworking parents, who didn't grow up with a lot, on trips they never dreamed of. And I never have to worry about my safety. If someone disrespects me or if I feel unsafe—whether in a relationship, a job, or a hotel room—I don't have to tough it out. That's what building wealth is about.

Wealth works less like a transformer and more like an amplifier. It turns up the volume on whoever you already were. The generous person can now give at a scale that changes lives. The anxious person can design a life without triggering their coping mechanisms.

The Honest Truth: Getting Rich Doesn't Automatically Make You Good

There are plenty of people who build wealth and use it for terrible things. Some of the richest people on this planet are the least generous—but they were always that way. And staying broke doesn't make you virtuous either. Being a martyr, saying, "This system doesn't work, so I'm not going to participate," only hurts you. It's not the patriarchy or the billionaires who suffer. It's you.

The only person who benefits from you completely opting out of the system is the people already in power. So the real question is: Who are you when the friction is gone? Who do you become when you are the most generous version of yourself?

When I say "build wealth," I want to be clear. I'm not trying to become a billionaire. I have no interest in that. I'm talking about enough money to protect yourself, your family, and your community—so you can be the most generous version of yourself. So you can retire comfortably without worry, so you can afford nice things once in a while. I'm not telling you to buy a mega yacht or fly on private jets. I'm telling you that building wealth means having enough money to make decisions and give yourself options.

How Pursuing Wealth Made Me a "Bad Woman"

Now, let's talk about the ways that becoming rich made me a "bad woman" by the patriarchy's standards.

First, I became intimidating to men. And honestly, that feeling is almost orgasmic. I don't need anything financially from a partner. I'm in a partnership with someone I love because I choose to, not because I need his financial support. For literally eons, women married because they needed a man's money. Think about Jane Austen or Bridgerton—women had to marry because the man had 20,000 pounds a year. It wasn't about love; it was about being taken care of. A woman couldn't get a credit card in her own name until 1974. That wasn't that long ago.

We've needed men for a very long time. This is the first time in history that we don't need a man to support us financially. So of course, you're intimidating to men. The status quo has changed. You're no longer pursuing a relationship because you need someone's financial standing. And to many men, that's not just intimidating—it's threatening. They have to ask themselves, "If I'm not the breadwinner, what am I contributing?" Good question, men. Keep pondering that.

Second, I stopped asking permission. I don't have to ask anyone—not an employer, not a partner, not my family—for permission to spend my own money or make my own decisions. I get to travel when and how I want. I get to take time off when and how I want. There's so much flexibility that comes with a strong financial foundation. I remember buying a $700 coat at a consignment store—designer, but used, which is how I feel good about it. I didn't have to hide my shopping bag. I didn't have to walk into my house feeling nervous or scared that it would start a fight. How liberating is that?

Third, I could say no. I could say no to jobs, to people, to rooms I didn't want to be in. I didn't have to take money from someone I didn't respect just because I needed it. I used to be in a job that deeply disrespected me and other women, where I was sexually harassed, in the most toxic environment. And I couldn't leave because I didn't have enough money. Nothing crushes your soul like having to withstand treatment that damages your psyche and confidence. Money allows you to exercise your self-worth. You get to say no when you want to say no and yes when you want to say yes.

Finally, I get to have my opinions—and be loud about them. I'm not nervous about someone taking away my livelihood for my political opinions. After the second Trump election, some very lucrative opportunities were taken away from us because we were vocal about our politics. But I've built a business and a life where if I weren't outspoken, you'd notice because our values are integrated into everything we do. I'm not worried about someone taking away my paycheck. I have enough financial standing for myself and my team that it's not a concern.

All of these things make me an unpalatable, uncontrollable woman by the patriarchy's standards. I'm not subservient to men, to a system, or to an employer. I say no a lot. And when I say yes, it's enthusiastic. I've become dangerous to anyone who benefited from me staying small. I'm a problem for people who benefited from me putting up with poor treatment. That makes them uncomfortable. It sometimes makes me unlikable.

But at the end of the day, if I can pursue my goals, feel good about my actions, and put my head on the pillow at night feeling good—that's all I have to answer to. I've stopped putting other people's comfort above my own.

The Double Standard: A Wealthy Man vs. A Wealthy Woman

The double standard here is clear: A wealthy man is powerful. A wealthy woman is "a lot." A wealthy man gets to make choices. He's admired, put on a pedestal as someone worth listening to—maybe even a genius. But a wealthy woman? We don't really like her. There's something about her that rubs us the wrong way. She's greedy. She wants a lot. She really likes herself.

A wealthy woman is the patriarchy's worst nightmare. And isn't that what we all want to be?

As we wrap up, remember this: Every dollar you earn, save, or invest is a vote against a system that never wanted you to have it. The people in power right now—I desperately need you to have money, especially in this moment. A financial education is your best form of protest. I need wealth and power in the hands of people who are generous, community-oriented, and who care about someone other than themselves. That's you.

So yes, get rich. Be "bad." The patriarchy's worst nightmare is an uncontrollable woman. Be uncontrollable.